Statistically speaking, over 90% percent of all relationships that occur before the age of 30 fail. Chances are you’ve gone through a breakup or are going to endure a breakup at some point in your life. Let’s face it, a year and a half ago I wouldn’t be writing this post with such comic relief… I was probably face planted in a pillow full of salty ginger tears making Kim K’s crying face actually look cute.
This post isn’t an exposé on my ex. I want to tell you what worked for me to get over the darkest point in my life thus far. Was it one of the most painful experiences of my life? Yes. Am I still alive today? Also, Yes.
For those of you sick of hearing your friend’s cry and complain over their ex and continuously find yourself repeating the phrase, “Just get over him/her. Move on, bitch”. I say this to you, either one, you’ve never lost someone you love (which you will at some point, 90%) or you’ve desperately forgotten what it took to mend a shattered heart.
I treated my broken heart like a disease. I looked for a cure anywhere I could. I stopped eating. I stopped working for several days. I couldn’t function. Studies from Psychology Today, found that the love hormone, oxytocin, is equivalent to being addicted to crack cocaine. So basically, you’re a reforming drug addict either in rehab (trying to seek help) or in search of your next hit (writing 10-page texts to your ex on why you still should be together, or possibly looking for a rebound).
So, which was I? The crazy drug addict 0r reforming addict in rehab? I was both… I watched every TED talk video on break ups. I read, he’s just not that into you, Eat Pray Love, any self-help book I could get my hands on. By chance I swiped right on the best rebound in the history of rebounds. A decent NFL player combo Bachelorette contestant (obviously his bumble gave neither of those details away). I know people say it doesn’t help to get with someone else but let me assure you… This guy was legitimately the perfect rebound. He wasn’t a total dbag but he also wasn’t nice enough for me to want to pursue a relationship with him. When my ex found out about this mysterious NFL player, he said, “Well, I hope you enjoy being beaten” … Okay, well I hope you enjoy your coworker at Lululemon and your yoga pants being folded perfectly... Sorry, I forgot. No shade.
What really helped was the 30 day no contact period. I never sent him crazy paragraph texts and he never saw 15 missed calls from me. I told him that I needed 30 days of no messages from him. He didn’t like that… He wanted the control of the breakup. Ladies and Gents, you go on and block their ass for 30 days. Now they might resort to emailing you (Yes, I’m talking about you Lex… how did he find your email from high school?) but stick to your guns. No seeing, calling, or texting your ex in anyway possible. You need 30 days in rehab.
This is an imperative time for you to fall back in love… with yourself (you heartbroken crack addict). In the words of the late Mufasa, “Remember who you are”. Work on being the best version of you. Do the things you never got to do when you were with them. Skydive, go dancing, fly to Spain, make new friends, start kickboxing, become a professional tennis player. Realize you may never get closure and you don’t need it to move on.
Chances are during your addiction, aka your relationship, you pulled away from your friends or family and became self-consumed with infatuation for your significant other. You ditched countless girl’s nights or Saturdays are for the boys nights to stay at home and watch, This is Us and now that they’re gone, you’re lonely. Don’t be stubborn. Apologize to your friend’s and family that you’ve let take the back burner for these last two years. Not all of your friend’s will still be there but the true ones will. Hopefully you learn going forward that all healthy relationships require balance. You can’t ditch your friend’s at the start of every new relationship and hope that they’ll be around to help you put back the pieces of your broken heart.
Make amends with the ones you love and continue on your self-loving journey of becoming the most bomb version of yourself.
Whenever your brain attempts to self-sabotage this newfound love by replaying the good times in your relationship you pause that movie and rewind to the bullshit, that really occurred. Remember the ugly moments and play that back repeatedly. You must do this. You need to write down all the reasons you would’ve never worked out with them because there’s a long list if you’re honest with yourself.
I used to play it back to when he yo yoed back in forth with my heart. He told me he made a mistake, that I was the one he wanted to marry and have children with… to calling me up less than a week later to tell me he wasn’t in love with me anymore (for the second time! As if once wasn’t enough)
The final memory that I can replay verbatim was the last and final time he said he didn’t love me. I came from a place of strength and said, “Look (insert he who shall not be named), you either love me or you don’t. It’s a yes or no question because I’m too good for a maybe”. He replied, “Well you’ve laid it out for me… It’s a no”. You’ve been rejected girl. Apparently, it took me three strikes to realize I was definitely out…
"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”
― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept
It took a chunk of my humanity and it’s taken me a long time to finally be able to move past it. Through this experience I did a lot of self-reflection. What really made me happy? Why did I feel the need to find my self-worth in keeping a relationship alive that was decaying and dragging me down? I finally got to a stage where I realized… I’m free. He released me from an unhealthy relationship or better yet… I released myself by no longer allowing this type of unhealthy validation to go on.
No matter which you choose, love is painful, just try not to be stuck in the middle of waiting and forgetting. Let go of the rope… your hands are blistered and bleeding. The tighter you claw on to this rope the tougher it will be to get over them. You’re in pain but you will heal. No one in the history of the world has died from a broken heart. You’re not alone… 90 percent of us out here have gone through it. You will love again. You also will probably break up again but hey it won’t be your first time up at bat (sorry for the baseball puns). Anyways, for GOD sake love yourself again. Get back to loving you because you’re a hottie. Lots of people would like that heart of yours. Find yourself again. You’re still there, under that bed full of Kleenexes and half melted Ben & Jerry’s containers is a knockout human being that doesn’t need a plus one to live a beautiful life.
Signed from a botched heart,
That Tall Redhead