For the last three months I’ve been taking acting classes in the hope that I’d complete phase two of my “Bucket List”. If you don’t know what my Bucket list is, please turn back to the archives and read Episode I. Anyway, it didn’t take long for me to realize the parallels between aspiring actors and the dating world.
I finally got my first big break (something they say in show biz...). I went to my first commercial casting call! I was through the roof excited, so excited I broke the cardinal rule. I told my Mother, which means she told my Grandmother, which means she told my Aunt Donna and suddenly my small victory became front-wide news in the Malone household. My family means well, they really do, but the thing about casting calls is that they’re a lot like first dates. You never ever EVER tell your family about first dates. Even if you really do think Billy from accounting is THE ONE. You don’t give them details of your casting calls or anyone you’re casually dating. Why, you ask? Well because they get too attached. They’ll ask you over the next few weeks what the outcome was with this said casting call and if you got the part. Your family doesn’t realize, actors (which I’d never claim to be outside of sarcasm) go on hundreds, thousands of casting calls before they finally get the part. Which sounds a lot like dating if you’re persistent enough.
Actors and single patrons of the world go into every audition giving it their best shot. They leave the room and forget about said audition. They don’t wait around for a second date aka the callback, they move on with their lives and continue to work on their craft (which being a craftier dater doesn’t necessarily apply, unless you’re still bringing up your breakup from nine months ago on the first date). The actors “submit and forget” method works well with bumble dates too. On the plus side mate, in the dating world, if the first date doesn’t go well, you get to decide if you want to go to the callback. You have the power! Your family however, will still wonder what happened to Andrew from Tampa and your casting call with Talking Stick. So let them know as little as possible until this person or role is a for sure thing. Maybe months, maybe years but that show biz baby.
That Tall Redhead
We’ve all been there… it’s late at night, your significant other is giggling into their phone, texting aimlessly and you think to yourself, “Who the heck are they texting?”. Oh, you’ve never thought that? You’re probably in a sane, stable relationship. For those of you who might not be… Here are the three reasons why you resort to snooping.
The Stats: based off a survey conducted on over 1,500 people
TTR True Life Story: This was probably my lowest point in my past relationship. I felt the gut feeling, my ex would come home late from work with tears in his eyes and when I’d ask him what was wrong he’d scream at me. I just knew I needed the proof. It resulted in one of the most insecure acts from yours truly. Late at night, when we both were asleep I slowly got out of bed and army crawled… Yes, army crawled across our bedroom floor to his iPhone. Which in case you don’t know… I have no clue how to use. I grab his phone… Victory! I Army crawl to the bathroom. I spent what felt like 15 seconds on his phone (We knew each other's passwords) when I hear the most fatal two words in any snoopers search coming from the other room… “HEY SIRI”. I’m screwed! I’m freaking caught iPhone handed. Lucky for me… I’m extremely quick on my feet and tell my partner, “I’m so so sorry” (We got into this huge fight before bed and I knew just what to say) “I wrote you the most hateful text that I couldn’t bare you waking up to! I had to delete it before you saw!” Half asleep, he replied, “Oh that’s fine.” and drifted back to sleep. DO NOT resort to army crawling to your partners phone late at night! Break up… The gut feeling is an animal instinct. There’s something wrong. Stop ignoring it and just break up without the evidence. No snooping required.
-That Tall Redhead
It’s easy to look at each other and say, “Wow, I wish I had a bootie like Julie” or “I wish I had abs like Allen”. It wasn’t until this week that I realized how much I find myself making these comparisons. My friend and I finished working out and she turned to me and asked, “What did you do to get abs? Or is it just genetic?”. At first, I thought she was trying to say I didn’t earn my stomach. Like maybe God looked down on me and said, “This Malone girl will have wild ginger hair, blonde eyebrows and let’s at least give her some abs to make it through puberty”. I knew my friend didn’t mean it like that. She genuinely wanted to know if abs were something that I had to work at or if it was simply genetics.
The truth is, I did the same damn thing. I even asked her if her perfect peach bootie was from heavy lifting or eating a certain way. She laughed, “No, no, it all just goes to my bootie”. Little did she know, I couldn’t stop thinking about these comparisons for the next few days.
I’m 6’1” with a naturally semi-thin frame. I never was considered skinny or athletically built. Growing up, I never had abs, my fat went straight to my thighs and not even messing with you, my calves, but I never carried weight in my stomach. It doesn’t take much ab exercises or healthy eating for my abs to “pop”. For my friend, I know she doesn’t have to lift a bunch of weights to get an instagram model ass, naturally she’s gifted. However, for me, it will take a shit load of squats and protein to have half the amount of bootie my friend has. That’s not an exaggeration that’s just the truth.
Everyone’s body is different and everyone carries fat in different locations. That’s the harm when we start to compare ourselves. We sometimes build a false idea of what it takes to achieve certain goals from exercising and dieting. We conjure up ideas in our head of what our “dream” body will look like instead of just focusing on being stronger and healthier versions of ourselves. For some people, having a six pack might take getting your body fat percentage down to 15% before you ever see any formation. It also might not be sustainable in the long run. Does that mean you shouldn’t work out? Hell nah. It just means it might take extra work and YEARS before you get that Peach Bootie and Trey Songz worthy abs. The importance is in the small changes you make everyday to be a healthier version of you. Those skinnyme teas, and body wraps aren’t going to make a difference in the long run. Making comparisons to your friends and instagram models who have it easier or sometimes harder than you isn’t healthy. What’s healthy is falling in love with the “problem areas” because they’re really not problem areas at all. They’re the place that your body likes to store your favorite late night taco bell run with your drunk best friends and post pregnancy baby weight. You have to love the good with the chubby before you can truly be healthy. I promise you, if don’t learn this process, your entire life will be spent nit picking your body and constantly making comparisons on what your body should look like.
Love yourself, overweight calf muscles (Please make jeans with stretchier leg material, mama’s calves need to breathe) and all,
That tall redhead.
Imagine waking up every morning, looking in the mirror, to not recognize the person staring back at you. Can you fathom feeling that inner turmoil your entire life? Your frustration grows as you feel trapped in the wrong body. A few years ago, Aiden Mann was a strong, athletic-woman, the face and staring player of the women’s basketball team at Charleston Southern, a historically baptist school. Aiden knew from an early age that he was always meant to be man. I interviewed Aiden to shed light on what it means to be an openly trans-gendered in America. It’s imperative to continue to educate and spread awareness and understanding of the trans community.
Before transitioning, Aiden would get out of the shower, stare into the mirror, and cry. He felt ashamed of his feminine figure, he hated the sound of his voice, he hated being told he was “pretty”. His only saving grace was the gym where he felt the strongest and most carefree. For the longest time he wasn’t able to do anything about it, he simply masked his emotions. After college he finally was able to cut his hair. A year after chopping off his hair he began taking testosterone (known as T). His voice started dropping, his facial hair started to grow and for the first time in his life, he felt relief, this was how it was always supposed to be.
From the age of five, Aiden has always felt like he was supposed to be a boy. Growing up with his older brother, people often thought they were twin boys. His mother let him keep his hair short and when they’d play baseball, someone came up to him and said, “You guys are such cute twin boys!”. Aiden’s six year old face beamed at the comment. “I always wanted to be one of the guys and not just hanging around them, but physically be a guy” Aiden thought a lot of lesbian’s felt this way. He had no idea that there was a community or possibility of being trans gendered.
Being the face of the women’s basketball team he knew that he couldn’t start his transition while he was playing sports in college. He confided in a few friends about his realization of being trans and was quickly hit with discouraging words of, “You’re too pretty to be a guy. You’d make an ugly man”. There’s huge anxiety that comes with transitioning, especially not knowing what you’ll look like as a man or woman. These words weren’t meant with malicious intent but heightened Aiden’s anxiety about transitioning. As mentioned before, Aiden’s face appeared on every banner, flyer and poster related to Charleston Southern’s women’s basketball team. Charleston Southern has always been a historically baptist school. He wasn’t allowed to have short hair, he was strongly discouraged to bring attention to his appearance. He also wasn’t allowed to wear bow ties to the sports banquet. He was often asked why he felt the need to dress gay.
Majority of people have a lack of knowledge on how to approach someone who’s trans gendered. It’s never and I repeat, never okay to ask someone that’s trans:
I asked Aiden, what’s the hardest thing that you’ve had to go through being trans? He explained that although he had an easier process than most in changing his name and gender on his I.D, he’d run into awkward situations purchasing alcohol, at the doctor’s office and going to the bars before those changes were finalized. He was questioned because his I.D had his dead name and female gender. Luckily, Aiden has support from his family and friends and a large community of love that pours in from social media (minus the small amount of bible humping trolls that write outlandish comments under his photos). He’s never cared about the judgement he’s received from his decisions. The fact of the matter is, how could you judge someone who’s being their true authentic self?
That Tall Redhead
Really sound advice coming from a girl who posed in lingerie for Maxim’s cover girl contest last year, am I right? I completely understand why you’d disregard the advice I’m about to give you, but just hear me out…
The world has sexualized the woman’s body for far too long. Women are made to feel ashamed of their bodies. We’re either too skinny, or too curvy, the comments are always the same, “She looks anorexic, she’s gained so much weight… I can’t believe she’d post that”. Sure, the average person doesn’t deal with comments from trolls because no one’s mean enough to actually post it. However, I’ve heard the comments in the real world. I’ve had friends tell me that they couldn’t deal with the swimwear photos anymore (w.e that means) and I’ve had family members say slick comments at a BBQ about how thin they thought I’ve gotten, as if my body was a topic for conversation. I’ve also been told that I was getting fat, and maybe I should switch to board shorts this year…
I’ll admit these blows hurt when I was an un-confident young teen. Now, these comments roll off my broad shoulders with ease and they should roll off yours too. With more confident, self-loving women like Lizzo, and Camille Kostek coming to the spotlight, you should feel inspired to post that banging, click-bate-selfie in your swimsuit this summer, regardless of what “shape” you’re in. Camille Kostek was told she wasn’t fit for the modeling industry and that she’d never make it. Well, if Camille read into every shameless troll’s fat shaming comments, she wouldn’t be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, now would she?
You’re great just the way you are, now! If you can’t learn to love every inch of rolls, stretch marks, poking out rib cages or violin hips when will you? Don’t feel like you can’t post a photo in your bikini until you’ve lost some weight, or gotten a peach bootie, and if you want to keep your swimwear body hidden, that’s your right, and I respect that. I just want you to know that there’s no reason to be afraid of what people think anymore. The only thing that matters is your inner positivity towards your body.
Here’s Lizzo’s interview with Paper Magazine, where she explains her struggle with unlearning societies view on “Big Women” and growing to love herself.
Post it, you look hot,
That Tall Redhead
So you want to date a professional athlete? Do you really? Are you sure? Well here it is, the honest to God truth on dating a professional athlete from a big leaguer’s perspective.
I interviewed a friend (who for the sake of this interview, wishes to remain anonymous), we’ll just say his name is George Henry. George played professional baseball since 2014 and is currently doing something every baseball player dreams about, playing in the big show. However, my biggest questions for him were, “How do go about dating now?”, “What red flags are you looking for?” “Is Bumble even still an option for you?”, and “What really happens on the road with cleat chasers?” He answered every question as honestly as he could. I felt that if I revealed who this mysterious George Henry really is, his answers wouldn’t be authentic or genuine.
What are the biggest redflags you look for when dating?
Answer: Insecurity is the biggest one for me. You have to be completely confident in who you are. Especially because majority of our relationship will be long distance. Communication is key, and if something bothers you we have to talk about it. Assumptions are like cancer. Looking back at my last relationship, my ex was constantly monitoring my social media. She knew when I liked a girl’s post, when someone followed me and she wasn’t happy about it. Ultimately it ended with her going stalker on me and I had to block her. She created fake accounts from the college we went to and would watch my stories and posts I’d like. Lack of ambition is another for me. I need to know that I’m not the only priority in your life. You need to have your own dreams and passions. We both need to push each other in all aspects of life.
Are you on any online dating Apps? What does your profile look like?
Answer: Currently, no. When I first started my professional baseball career I did. I mainly used my profile for hookups. My profile had photos of me playing baseball on it. (George mentioned that guys use photos in their uniform to seal the deal and play the baseball card. This card isn’t just with baseball players, NFL, NBA, NHL players use their photos in uniforms to get girls too). I didn’t care if girls knew I played.
What’s the deal with this Baseball Card?
Answer: Every professional athlete knows they have this card in their back pocket. Early in my career, I’ve used it to seal the deal before. When we went out, we didn’t tell girls we’d play. We’d try and see if we can get a girl without playing the baseball card. Like we’re an everyday Joe. (My thoughts: Guys use this card because it works… It works with women who like the idea of knowing they slept with an athlete. A man’s occupation controlling your decision to sleep with them is on the person willing to accept the card).
Since you didn’t go the Lebron, Savannah James route (marry your ride or die, high school sweetheart) how do you chose a girl to really date?
Answer: At this point in my career, I can’t make dating a priority for me. I know that I can’t give a relationship the right attention and support that it deserves. Three years from now, it might be a different story. Since a professional baseball players life is constantly changing, I need to be in a stable place with a team before I’d want to be in a relationship. I probably would go the Steph Curry route and hit up a girl that knew me before I was playing in the MLB. I also know I’d be looking for a girl from a long term perspective. It would be less physical for me and more about an emotional connection.
So you wouldn’t go the Kate Upton Justin Verlander route and marry someone that was on an equal playing field (Occupationally and Financially)?
Answer: Look, you know Ciara would never date Joe the plumber and Russell Wilson wouldn’t marry a random instagram model. They date each other because their on the same level. They both have the same status and roll in the same inner circle. I wouldn’t mind marrying someone that was on a similar level as me, if they had personality with it. I can already get an attractive girl I want to marry someone with substance.
Are the cleat chasers real or just something you read about?
Answer: Yes… very real. There are girl’s that deliberately go for any MLB player for the status and I feel terrible about it. These girls know that they’re dming a guy that has a wife and kids at home. It comes with the profession. There’s endless amounts of attractive woman and It’s hard to fault my teammates.There’s this feeling of, the grass is always greener. The everyday guy doesn’t have the same opportunities to cheat. I feel bad for their wives and children at home. I honestly do. Cheating happens in all professions, not just baseball and not all guys cheat. Remember that guys can be dog’s, sorry ladies.
Do guys ever fly girls out to see them?
Answer: Some guys get lonely. They might have a girl back home that they fly out just for hooking up. I think both parties are aware of it tho. They’ve got to be aware. Most players don’t know who to trust when it comes to relationships.
How long do you wait before you tell a girl what you do for a living?
Answer: With social media, it’s pretty much impossible to hide who you are. If it’s someone that I legitimately want to start a future with I try to tell them in the beginning. I don’t want to start the relationship with a lie. I go into every new relationship believing that a girl only wants me because I play baseball. I’m guarded, I know that about myself. It’s hard to figure out who’s there because for me and not the perks of my career.
Does the whole, “throw a ball into the stands with your number on it” actually work?
Answer: I’ve never tried it! I’m kind of busy out here with a ballgame haha. There’s a lot of hurtels with that. For one, is this girl actually single? How will it look to fans if I’m focused on giving a girl my number? Is she even of age? In the minor leagues, one of my teammates had the ball boy give a girl a baseball with his number on it. The next day, the GM (General Manager) pulled all the players into the locker room to confront them about this ball situation. They found out he gave his number to a seventeen year old girl! Her parent’s emailed the GM and no one ever threw a ball out again.
What’s the biggest misconception with dating a professional athlete?
Answer: Probably that this lifestyle isn’t as hyped up as it seems to be. You’re gone for several months out of the year. You really don’t get to see each other as often as you should. Your career is constantly changing. One day you’re playing for the Dodger’s the next day you’re traded to the Cubs. It takes a strong woman to be able to handle that. She’s got to be confident and driven, your biggest supporter. Don’t get me wrong, the stereotypes can be true. Guy’s have trophy wives, the girls with the Louis Vuitton bags and no personality. They’re around for arm candy and looks. My only issue with that is, what happens when the aura of professional baseball is lifted. You’re no longer an athlete, you don’t have the same status anymore. Will those trophy wives still stick around with you then?
There are several issues that come with dating a professional athlete. There’s also beauty in getting to see your significant other live out their dream and do something that only a small percentage ever get to do, make it to the big leagues. For George, I leave you with this. Not every girl is looking for a meal ticket or a way out. There’s a lot of woman still out there that are driven and confident, you might have to seep through the baseball gypsies and cleat chasers to find the real ones. If I were you, I’d go for a girl who had a career and her own life. Probably would want to date another athlete, just saying. (Google Blake Griffin’s kids). Thank you George for being vulnerable with your answers. One day you’ll find your Kate Upton, Savannah James, or amazing girl at the grocery store. Until then, keep living out your dream, the relationship stuff with come when you’re ready.
Stop Cleating (cheating with cleats),
That Tall Redhead
Statistically speaking, over 90% percent of all relationships that occur before the age of 30 fail. Chances are you’ve gone through a breakup or are going to endure a breakup at some point in your life. Let’s face it, a year and a half ago I wouldn’t be writing this post with such comic relief… I was probably face planted in a pillow full of salty ginger tears making Kim K’s crying face actually look cute.
This post isn’t an exposé on my ex. I want to tell you what worked for me to get over the darkest point in my life thus far. Was it one of the most painful experiences of my life? Yes. Am I still alive today? Also, Yes.
For those of you sick of hearing your friend’s cry and complain over their ex and continuously find yourself repeating the phrase, “Just get over him/her. Move on, bitch”. I say this to you, either one, you’ve never lost someone you love (which you will at some point, 90%) or you’ve desperately forgotten what it took to mend a shattered heart.
I treated my broken heart like a disease. I looked for a cure anywhere I could. I stopped eating. I stopped working for several days. I couldn’t function. Studies from Psychology Today, found that the love hormone, oxytocin, is equivalent to being addicted to crack cocaine. So basically, you’re a reforming drug addict either in rehab (trying to seek help) or in search of your next hit (writing 10-page texts to your ex on why you still should be together, or possibly looking for a rebound).
So, which was I? The crazy drug addict 0r reforming addict in rehab? I was both… I watched every TED talk video on break ups. I read, he’s just not that into you, Eat Pray Love, any self-help book I could get my hands on. By chance I swiped right on the best rebound in the history of rebounds. A decent NFL player combo Bachelorette contestant (obviously his bumble gave neither of those details away). I know people say it doesn’t help to get with someone else but let me assure you… This guy was legitimately the perfect rebound. He wasn’t a total dbag but he also wasn’t nice enough for me to want to pursue a relationship with him. When my ex found out about this mysterious NFL player, he said, “Well, I hope you enjoy being beaten” … Okay, well I hope you enjoy your coworker at Lululemon and your yoga pants being folded perfectly... Sorry, I forgot. No shade.
What really helped was the 30 day no contact period. I never sent him crazy paragraph texts and he never saw 15 missed calls from me. I told him that I needed 30 days of no messages from him. He didn’t like that… He wanted the control of the breakup. Ladies and Gents, you go on and block their ass for 30 days. Now they might resort to emailing you (Yes, I’m talking about you Lex… how did he find your email from high school?) but stick to your guns. No seeing, calling, or texting your ex in anyway possible. You need 30 days in rehab.
This is an imperative time for you to fall back in love… with yourself (you heartbroken crack addict). In the words of the late Mufasa, “Remember who you are”. Work on being the best version of you. Do the things you never got to do when you were with them. Skydive, go dancing, fly to Spain, make new friends, start kickboxing, become a professional tennis player. Realize you may never get closure and you don’t need it to move on.
Chances are during your addiction, aka your relationship, you pulled away from your friends or family and became self-consumed with infatuation for your significant other. You ditched countless girl’s nights or Saturdays are for the boys nights to stay at home and watch, This is Us and now that they’re gone, you’re lonely. Don’t be stubborn. Apologize to your friend’s and family that you’ve let take the back burner for these last two years. Not all of your friend’s will still be there but the true ones will. Hopefully you learn going forward that all healthy relationships require balance. You can’t ditch your friend’s at the start of every new relationship and hope that they’ll be around to help you put back the pieces of your broken heart.
Make amends with the ones you love and continue on your self-loving journey of becoming the most bomb version of yourself.
Whenever your brain attempts to self-sabotage this newfound love by replaying the good times in your relationship you pause that movie and rewind to the bullshit, that really occurred. Remember the ugly moments and play that back repeatedly. You must do this. You need to write down all the reasons you would’ve never worked out with them because there’s a long list if you’re honest with yourself.
I used to play it back to when he yo yoed back in forth with my heart. He told me he made a mistake, that I was the one he wanted to marry and have children with… to calling me up less than a week later to tell me he wasn’t in love with me anymore (for the second time! As if once wasn’t enough)
The final memory that I can replay verbatim was the last and final time he said he didn’t love me. I came from a place of strength and said, “Look (insert he who shall not be named), you either love me or you don’t. It’s a yes or no question because I’m too good for a maybe”. He replied, “Well you’ve laid it out for me… It’s a no”. You’ve been rejected girl. Apparently, it took me three strikes to realize I was definitely out…
"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”
― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept
It took a chunk of my humanity and it’s taken me a long time to finally be able to move past it. Through this experience I did a lot of self-reflection. What really made me happy? Why did I feel the need to find my self-worth in keeping a relationship alive that was decaying and dragging me down? I finally got to a stage where I realized… I’m free. He released me from an unhealthy relationship or better yet… I released myself by no longer allowing this type of unhealthy validation to go on.
No matter which you choose, love is painful, just try not to be stuck in the middle of waiting and forgetting. Let go of the rope… your hands are blistered and bleeding. The tighter you claw on to this rope the tougher it will be to get over them. You’re in pain but you will heal. No one in the history of the world has died from a broken heart. You’re not alone… 90 percent of us out here have gone through it. You will love again. You also will probably break up again but hey it won’t be your first time up at bat (sorry for the baseball puns). Anyways, for GOD sake love yourself again. Get back to loving you because you’re a hottie. Lots of people would like that heart of yours. Find yourself again. You’re still there, under that bed full of Kleenexes and half melted Ben & Jerry’s containers is a knockout human being that doesn’t need a plus one to live a beautiful life.
Signed from a botched heart,
That Tall Redhead
It's taken me nearly 25 years to come to realize... I really don't give a f*ck about the opinion of others. So I'm going to blog and write about my personal journey because for once in my life, the only validation I look for is my own. Do what you can with what you have now. Unfortunately, we don't have the luxury of knowing when this life will come to a close. I'm sick of looking back on my life with regret. I'm doing everything I can with what I have now. "What If" is the ultimate enemy.
This is my new beginning, my start of a different journey. Let me remind you that you're entitled to start a new beginning at any point in your life. New career, new house (Yes, I'm talking about you sister), new friends, even God for bid... A new beginning.
Best Regards, (sign off I learned in Business School )
That Tall Redhead